What does it even mean to work for something?
I keep thinking about all my former high school classmates – so many of whom are living these incredible lives. Doing incredible things, having brilliant careers. Or raising kids. AND raising kids. Being significant.
And I’m every day wondering, what can I do in this hour to make my life worth it? How do I use my me-ness to make a dent in the world, a nice useful one, a bettering one?
It’s crazy, because I grew up with this idea, this great question of my own personal significance (“I must make the world a better place!...Somehow!”), and I still have no answers to it.
I’m rolling around ideas of activism, political, environmental, social. I’m wondering if the St. Mark’s job was my great chance. But no, I know it wasn’t. I do actually still feel quite confident that the future I envisioned there—a constant battle, a digging into the dirt and getting out only dirt—was not for me.
So what am I going to do? How am I going to dare?
I can do whatever I want. I can follow, in my free time, whatever pleases me. This is the gift of my current life. I’m not obligated in any of the ways I was previously obligated. I’m not tied to doing anything with music or art that I *must* do, or am getting paid to do.
That is the choice I made walking away from St. Mark’s. And it’s not just Chris’ take on it – but being there, doing church music, would have confirmed my already strong tendency for doing music out of duty.
And I really want to get away from that. I’m still not sure I’m capable of getting away from that, but I have a clearer path out now than I’ve ever had in my life. I am gainfully employed, the diabetes is taken care of (while civilization lasts) and in my free time, I can do what I want.
So far, I’m finishing up the trumpet and soprano piece I wrote for the Ballet thing. For Jared.
I’ve signed up for a half marathon. Running is a great thing for me right now. It makes me happy and healthy and I like it.
I don’t actually need to have a great plan. I can do the running thing for now, and finish the trumpet thing. And then see what comes next. But the thing is, I do need an answer for the nagging anxiety about significance. Or maybe I don’t need an answer, maybe I need to shut it up. Maybe I need a charity to give to, to shut it up.
Ok, next up! Charities I’ve been researching:
International: Child International https://www.children.org/
Red Cross (Houston…) https://www.redcross.org/donate/hurricane-harvey
Rescue MissionSL: http://rescuesaltlake.org/
Sponsor a local person in meeting a specific obstacle to self-sufficiency
One thing that’s actually really great about music is that you are free to be completely personal.
I’ve been thinking about putting things on my blog that.. I don’t know – are too personal to ever make my blog public. I like the idea of making my blog public. Or at least sharing it with a slightly less limited audience than my current audience of one (Michael). But then I will feel very hampered, and like I can’t really say all the things I need to say. And I’ll say them anyway, and then walk around with serious complexes, thinking everyone will know all my issues. (ON THE OTHER HAND THERE ARE NUDE PICTURES OF ME ON THE INTERNET SO WHO REALLY FUCKING CARES, ACTUALLY.) And come to think of it, putting my nudies on the internet was liberating.
But my nude brain. I mean. It’s a little different, ok.
Well, my point was, with music, I can mean exactly all the things in my brain, and NO ONE WILL KNOW. But they will feel it. Possibly.