Wednesday, April 11, 2018

/r/exmormon reddit post by me

Title: Surprised by my feelings after receiving my resignation letter--anyone else feel this way?

Body: 


It was: panicked, unmoored, and regretful, in that order, for several minutes. Then a wave of what I think may have been actual mourning, which I haven't felt about the church at all, ever. I always expected, at some point, to feel very, very sad that the church isn't true, because I was a hardcore believer. I remembered reading about Joanna Brooks' intense affection for the church she has mostly stopped believing in literally, and I wondered when I might feel that. In all the 6-8 years of my faith transition, all I've really ever felt is relief at releasing myself from Mormon mind shackles, and anger/frustration about all the time and energy I wasted in them.

So the panic, the disturbed feeling of free-floating, and most of all the regret (??) were all very unsettling. I guess I had expected to feel immediate peace and joy. Release.

The regret was specifically about records: records of moments in my life, in my family---my baptism, endowment, sealing, the Mormon milestones--those records being held and kept somewhere, evidence of my existence, the sort of thing historians hundreds of years from now might scour for clues about our lives. Those records of me being erased. Even though I believe it’s all based on fraud and manipulation, those milestones did happen, and I did live them, and now, possibly, the don’t exist in their official place. (Or do they? Is it possible they still exist, but only now include the fact that I don’t believe the bullshit anymore? I don’t know.) I honestly hadn't thought of that consequence.

On the other hand, that does give me additional motivation to make something of my life such that there will be other clues of my existence.

And of course there are government records of me.

And what is the mourning about? Somehow removing my name has allowed me for the first time to feel the loss of what I used to hope and believe the Mormon church was. It is simply not what it says it is. Not the truth claims, not the Zion community, not the one true church of the one true God. It’s not even a healthy community. Since becoming an adult, it's never lived up. But long ago as a child, surrounded by the teachers, leaders, friends in the only church I'd ever known, it used to actually be those things for me. And I think taking my name off forced me to finally mourn rather than celebrate that loss.

Anyway, it’s all very surprising. What a journey. Any of you relate?

(A few hours after posting, there follow a few comments from fellow redditors. They are lovely. Maybe I will re-type and post a few of them as comments on this blogpost. Which is probably against reddit rules?? But only Michael reads my blog. Fuckit.)

(Early this morning I am also composing a set of themeless variations (yes!) that I am so excited about. It's so incredibly fun. I am one of my best ever selves when I am composing, seriously. That's making me feel better about life again.)



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