I put on a very brave face for the fb world. I almost convinced my present self that past self really had all her shit together, was articulate and doing fine.
And --- I guess I was?
Nah.
But my over-whelming impression of past self was something like: why did I quit all my music jobs? I was doing great!
But internally, I was all self-doubt and anxiety about money and insurance, and comparison with other musicians having better careers.
Now, internally, I feel much better about money and insurance, but also a little like I gave up. But also, I didn't give up because I still have lots of ways that I'm doing music that I feel really good and excited about.
So my conclusion is, it would probably be fine if outside me was a little more true to inside me.
And I really did seem to enjoy teaching. My brain is conditioned to remember the negative with much more clarity than the positive. I had some very fulfilling moments teaching. It really is quite sad that I can't have financial stability and health insurance as a music teacher.
I surprised myself a little -- that is, past me surprised present me a little with how often I freely posted things indicating my very liberal beliefs. I'm all scared of doing that now. Or -- scared? maybe just hesitant because... Nah. Scared. Scared of facebook debates. Scared specifically of facebook debates with family members. But facebook stalking myself seems to indicate that family members don't really want to have debates with me.
And I sort of think that I'm a little sick of hiding, and am ready to be more publicly who I am privately. I think that's a big prt of what people mean when they talk about "having a voice." It's feeling free to say what you actually think and be who you really are, perhaps especially in an artistic way.
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